I think I am starting to adjust to the fact that I wont be here at UCSB for much longer. This is my last winter quarter, and then my last spring quarter ever!! Well, until grad school, that is.

At this point in my life, I am at a crossroads. In fact, I think about 100 roads are crossed in front of me, any of which will take me down a different and interesting path. Right now, I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with my year off between undergrad and grad school. I feel like I should take on some internship or training program with my major, but I really really want to go to Europe. I found this really cool summer marine ecology program in Bermuda for the month of July that I'm going to apply for. In fact, I better do that soon since the application deadline is coming up in March. I should apply to a couple other things for the summer. I'm trying not to be too picky, since I don't have that much experience. Yeah! I think I will probably have to find a job for next year, since I will have absolutely no money after I graduate. Also, I'll have to save up some money for Europe next summer! Yup, its gonna happen. So far it's me, Stephen...and yeah. Woo!! I also want to go on a cross country road trip this summer, but I'll probably have to scrounge up $1000 to do that...and I will need a buttload of $$ for Kevin's bday in vegas...GAH why does everything have to cost so much money! What I really need is a rich relative to leave everything to me in their will, or a lottery (or vegas!) jackpot. Yeah...that's it!

What a difference getting 8 hours of sleep makes!!!

mood: chipper

I wish today had a restart button. From the second I woke up, I knew today was going to be a ... day. And I had such a good weekend! Maybe that's why I'm in such a bad mood- the weekend was so great, and now all I'm left with is a bitter taste in my mouth, and a gigantic physiology test on Friday. I'm trying to plan out my week now and figure out how I'm going to get things done, and it does not look fun. There is the possibility of going to Hollywood/Snowboarding this weekend to look forward to. Although, for me that will probably just result in the loss of lots of money and the incurrence of a lot of pain since I have never actually gone snowboarding...but hey! At least that's something. I really don't want to be in a shitty mood all week while I have to get all this done, but I think the only way to put myself in a better mood would be to kick ass and get all my shit done this week. No wasting time! God, I am the biggest time-waster I know. Look at me now! I have class in 13 minutes and here I am on LJ. Oh well, I never post on here anyway and sometimes you kinda need a therapeutic outlet. Or a procrastinating tool. =)

I do have a plan of attack for today though!! Here it is:

12-1 genetics class
1-5 L&S work (try to finish reading for french and ch st art critique)
5-6 genetics section
6-? finish reviewing physio lecture slides

My muscles are sore... lactic acid build-up or perhaps some gluconeogenesis due to prolonged stress...hey-o! I did learn something in physio today. :)

mood: sore music: ABC- jackson 5

...and a quiz is an incredibly lame thing to break the silence with. But- it's very accurate (for once)!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

mood: cold music: miss your class - 56 hope road

I'm in a good place right now, I think.

I wake up most mornings and think, damn I'm lucky. I don't know why it took so long to get to this point when I can actually feel good about enjoying things WITHOUT making myself feel guilty! Isn't that the worst thing?? When you're trying to enjoy something and this voice enters your head, quickly deflating your balloon of happiness?? Fuck that! I don't need it.

So right now, I'm loving life. There are few things that I still need to work on, but that's what life is...work-in-progress. Haha Veronica would hate me so much right now...waxing philosphical about life. Wow. I just wrote waxing philosophical. I think I heard that said once and wondered when I would ever hear it/see it again....and there it is.

I love making little lists of goals, even though I hardly complete any of them. It's the thought that counts, right?

to do (sat. oct 13):
- reading for eemb 120 and re-read class notes
- read for french seminar...develop presentation for tuesday!
- study fish/ email TA's about meeting times next week to look at lab specimens
- gym?
- fish taco party!
- C-L-E-A-N and decorate house/room!
- DO NOT DRINK!! I have been really sick lately and drinking does not help!

ok that's all for now! Hope everyone has a fun and productive weekend! I miss you :)

mood: crazy music: push- matchbox twenty

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

mood: accomplished music: kt tunstall

hello lj. Or should I say, hello 2 people that read this including myself in the future. I am (still) in french polynesia, but things are winding down now and I'm excited to go home. It has been an awesome summer, and I think I've gotten exactly what I've expected from this summer. What I wanted most was a chance to forget about classes and books and grades and work and all the bullshit in santa barbara and do something completely different. I have had a lot of fun and learned a lot working with so many different people. I think I am starting to actually comprehend what a large amount of work grad school is going to be, and now I think I *might* actually be able to do it. I still have no idea what I'd want to do for a masters/PhD, but at least I've met a lot of people who can actually help me figure that shit out. Yeah. Also, this summer was a nice break from responsibilities and people. I mean, I had responsibilities here, but nowhere near as many, so I could actually focus on myself for a change, instead of worrying about who I had to impress to get here, etc. It was also nice to be away from the whole santa barbara mentality. Whenever I'm there, I always feel rushed and stressed out, even when there isn't anything to be stressed about! Mostly it is just restlessness I think. I also can't wait to see my friends!! Ideally, I'd want to come home on aug 31, chill in sd until the 12th or so, fly up to the bay area to visit santa cruz/sf, then come down around the 20th to move up to sb! Yeah, that sounds good to me, but we shall see if it works. I'm so glad I have another month before school starts! Fuck school! No, I'm kidding. This is going to be a good quarter...I think my classes will be challenging, but fun! I know at least one of them has a field trip to Monterey, yay. Okay I've kinda lost my momentum writing this shit, so maybe I will continue later...or not.

location: moorea, French Polynesia mood: hot music: who's afraid of the big bad wolf- disney

hey everyone!

(I don't even think anyone reads this anymore, but whatever...)

Time for another random update of the polynesian goings-on. It has been really fun here for the past couple of days since we've had a site review going on. That basically means all these high-ups from the National Science Foundation come visit and decide whether or not the LTER is doing it's job. To simplify a bit ;) But for all the undergrads, it means we get free food, free alcohol, and much more free time than we've ever had before. If it was a normal day, I'd definitely be working. We actually went to the motus today, which are these little sandy islands off the coast of Moorea in the lagoon with the NSF people. It was so much fun!! Snorkeling and laying out on white sandy beaches...oh man. I have never been anywhere this fantastically beautiful. Last night was fun too - we had Tahitian night with a feast and a troupe of traditional tahitian dancers and musicians. Afterwards we had a huge dance party with all these science bigwigs and they were going crazy!!! It was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen...picture these people who are grilling everyone with questions all day and then chugging alcohol and grindin all on each other at night...haha

Greetings from Moorea!!

I thought it would be nice to start actually updating this journal again, now that I am actually doing stuff and going places. So for those of you who somehow don't know, or are otherwise out of the loop, I am currently in Moorea, which is an island in French Polynesia next to Tahiti. I'm gonna be here until August 30th...woo! It's not really a vacation (although I consider anyplace not San Diego or Santa Barbara a vacation) because I'm working on my senior honors thesis research project and assisting a grad student. Yeah..so now you know!

Life has been pretty weird here...the latest I've gone to bed here is 2345 (and it felt SOO MUCH LATER than that) and the latest I've woken up is 0730 (haha I actually use 24hr time here...trying to practice!!). Most of the time I wake up around 630 because that's when the sun comes up and go to bed at like 9 because the days are sooo looong and tiring. A couple of days ago we spent the entire day carrying, washing, and chiseling cinder blocks. ALL DAY!! And then the day before that we reorganized this tool shed thing and carried around these sharp metal cages and fucking cinder blocks with coral stuck to them...haha. While I wait for Nichole to get here, I'm pretty much gonna be bitchin' around and helping everyone who needs it.

But I have gotten to make a few dives and snorkeling! My first day I went snorkeling at this resort to take some pictures with Jenn and Gerick and it was so wonderful!! My first snorkel ever! I did get an urchin spine in my hand and some random coral cuts. It sucks because if you get cuts here, it has a really high chance of getting infected because we are in the water so much and that inhibits healing. This one guy Adrian got a staff infection in his hand and leg, and he had to go get surgery in Tahiti, and now he has a drain in his hand...suuucks. So I'm really careful about my cuts cuz I don't want any fucking infections!! I do have like 600 mosquito bites, and I must be allergic to their spit or something because they swell up so fcking huge and turn purple and red....ew. My legs look like some shit from a movie or something...for some reason I think of Predator, even though I'm sure he had nice legs. ;)

Oh yeah, I also went diving with my professor and some of his friends to go look at sites in the lagoon, and I got to go out to the pass, which has a lot of really cool diving because there's so much biodiversity. For those who don't know, Moorea is a sinking volcanic island, and as it sinks over time a lagoon is formed between the island and the open ocean. Right now the lagoon is around 15 ft deep, and that's where we usually dive. However, the passes are where the bays connect to the ocean, and that can be about 120 ft deep. So when I went out to the pass, we had to stay above 30 feet (because that's my max cert. depth for scientific diving) but it was so awesome. I wish I had an underwater camera so I could get some pictures, but I know people who do so I'm gonna try to get them to dive with me so I can post pictures on facebook :)

Oh yeah, another funny story..Thursday night we all went out to this bar/restaurant thing called Maria Tapas and we went in this big group...all the ucsb undergrads (Jenn, Thomas, Spenser, Stephanie, and me), Gerick, and then these grad students from CSUN and Long Beach. It was really fun - we went to go see some guy named Bubba play guitar and do covers. He was pretty good, but his guitarist looked like the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop..hahaha. So at some point, after a couple beers (really expensive ones!! like 1000 cpf/$10 a bottle, but that's because I only really like the dark stuff), this old Tahitian guy comes over (I think his name was Willie) and asks Jenn to dance. I just laugh and watch and take pictures and stuff, but then he comes over and asks me to dance too. Everyone's laughing really hard and taking pictures...which upon later examination i find that the old dude TOTALLY copped a feel! Bastard! hahaha! After that, I sat down and drank some more, got serenaded in Tahitian by Willie, and drank some more..haha. At some point, we were all thinking about leaving, when this really really tatooed guy came over and said to me "This is Serge...and he loves you!!" I was like oh, god who's Serge! And it was this french guy...he was kinda old, but not terrible looking! He asked me to dance, and then put on some music so we could merengue (sp?) and I was like UUUHHH I CAN'T DANCE and everyone was laughing really hard and taking tons of pictures but I guess it was fun! And that is my story.

Okay, my 2 hour morning break is almost over, so that's all for now!

location: Moorea, French Polynesia mood: okay music: what a fool believes- the doobie brothers

I'm....happy. Woah! What a difference it makes to get 9hrs of sleep and wake up to beautiful sunny skies. I think the reason I get so upset and depressed is because I waste so much fucking time when I could be getting shit done! So, after discussing this problem with my dear friends (v-ron, martin, hannah), I think I can really make progress in improving my general mental health. I'm going to be more active and get my shit together (it's not that hard, and it makes me feel good!), eat better and just generally take care of myself, and HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS!! I miss them!

Okay, I'm gonna go for a run now, and then I have to do a bunch of shit today (work in lab, tours for kids, art class, buy scuba gear, etc.). I hope everyone has a nice day today, and my good mood actually lasts!

10 days until I'm back in sd!
17 days until I'm heading off to Moorea for the summer! :)

mood: content music: wah-wah- george harrison

Why is there jelly in my pocket? I don't remember...

Is it weird that I am kind of irritated by myself? Sometimes I just sit back and think "Man, I wonder if people think I'm as annoying as I think I am??"....which I feel leads to a rather unhealthy train of thought. I don't know what it is exactly about myself that I find irritating, but I know there are probably a lot of things. Like...why can't I ever be satisfied with anything? I'm always bitching about how X never happens to me,and how I'll never be as smart (attractive, funny, interesting, classy, etc.) as Y. Sometimes I want to split from myself (like budding), and like, slap myself across the face and be like shut the fuck up!!! I'm not even focusing on the fact that I complain about this stuff, which I do often, but the fact that I even have these thoughts at all seems lame to me. But it's not like I can really control the thoughts that pop into my head?? I can only control how I express them. So I choose to "stay silent" and bottle up all my anxieties and insecurities but then THAT just makes me crazier! That's another thing I strongly dislike about myself...sooo fucking passive aggressive it's almost like I'm walking backwards through honey (lol....it's the first  viscous thing I could think of...it's a metaphor!! albeit a retarded one). I don't want to annoy anyone with my feelings and shit so I just don't tell, and then I get these waves of depression because I'm so discontent with the way my life is going...and it's all my fault. I also feel like I have a split personality sometimes....that has since split numerous additional times, leaving me with about 100 different ways of viewing and (over)analyzing situations. So irritating! I mean, I wonder if I am more vocal about things that bother me (and probably just my feelings in general), I will stop having these random fits of apathy and depression. I'm not sure apathy is even the right word...what I feel sometimes when I wake up in the morning (usually thursday) is much stronger than apathy...it's like a combination of apathy, disgust, hate, boredom, fear, and sadness. Hahaha what is that?? Is there a word for that shit?? Maybe if I can categorize it, it will make it all better!! Just kidding.....but seriously. I guess I'll try that...vocalizing. Today when I go home I'm going to make a list of all the things I want to say to people that I have not dared to even think about, let alone discuss. Then, we shall see if I can make some progress in saying all the shit I need to say to people! Wow, it feels good to have a plan. Even if it is a rudimentary one.

EDIT: I found some cornbread in my backpack! Now I have a lunch: gatorade, cornbread and jelly. HELLOOOOO MALNUTRITION! :)

mood: hungry music: in repair- john mayer (how fitting)

So....its spring break! That means this quarter from hell is over! I couldn't be happier...and it seems that despite working 12 hours/week, taking 17 units, and all the countless hours of scuba diving...I came out alright. Sanity intact. Hahaha. Better than last winter quarter...that was the WORST! God, just thinking about that quarter makes me want to die..ugh.

This quarter wasn't so bad though...I mean it was a lot of work, but I really enjoyed all my classes. I made some new friends in my major (which is always good because I am antisocial and I'll take friends where I can get them!), got to know some of the coolest professors in my department, and learned how to scuba dive! Oh man, speaking of diving....I am most likely going to Moorea ( an island in french polynesia for all you n00bs) this summer!! I am like 95% sure I'm going...as long as I pass this spring break dive course. I actually won a grant to pay for me to go and do a research project...so that's cool! I've never won any money before! I love moneys!! It's bittersweet though, because I'm going to be leaving middle/end of june and staying till like august...WHICH MEANS I WILL MISS SD SUMMER! I'm really sad about that...but it seems like every summer in san diego is the same...and I always end up wasting it. I think I need a summer away from sd to really appreciate it. Haha so cliche. Also, moorea is going to be so tight!!! I've never been anywhere remotely tropical (not even mexico or hawaii!), and I'll get to meet really cool people, speak french, and learn a ton of shit. I've been busting my ass all year to get to this! I hope I pass this class!!


On that note... I WANT TO GO HOME SO BADLY!! I haven't seen my family/sd friends since january! It will be a loooong time before I see them again =(.....Oh well, I guess I'll just be traveling all spring quarter...santa cruz, san diego, and maybe sf too. =D

Alright, I need to go put clothes on and then run some errands before my scuba class at 2...toodles!

mood: relaxed music: silent sea- kt tunstall

I have to listen to motivational music now just to get the day started....you should try  "59th Street Bridge Song" for traveling to school in the morning, and a little "Show Me the Way" for the way back home. Hahaha...do it. It really brightens the day =)

I have been so busy lately- I can barely keep track of everything that I'm doing. Somehow by the end of the quarter (~3 weeks) I have to:

• write a grant proposal (8 pages) and prepare a powerpoint presentation for NEXT THURSDAY!!!
• one essay (6-7 pp) and one short response (1-2 pp) for french....and I have to finish a 300+ page book + final exam
  
• one more midterm for biological oceanography + 2 homeworks and another paper (3 pp) on "my favorite stream or lake"...lol
• case study for tropical ecology + final exam
• somehow do 3-4 boat/beach dives plus pool sessions for research diver course ( 8-5 every Sat. and Sun.)
• eat
• sleep
  
  
  

Should be interesting....WISH ME LUCK! I'll need it.

P.S. I miss you guys.

P.P.S.- Peter Pan comes out on Tuesday..buy it for me? :B

mood: tired music: part of your world- the little mermaid soundtrack

I haven't been on lj in so long. Jesus! I guess I have been super busy lately, so I haven't really had time to even read my friends pages. This quarter is crazy. So much to do, so much to worry about. I feel like I am constantly in an "orange-alert" state of panic. I am always freaking out about things I have to do, and yet somehow never making any progress towards finishing anything. It sucks...I have to make all these lists just to get through the day, and I still don't get all my shit done. It's like I want to do it (kinda), but I don't really have any motivation to do anything. So that sucks. My classes are awesome though, for the most part. I feel like I am actually using my brain for once, so that is good. Also, working 11 hours on top of 16 units is kind of bullshit. I am SOOO fucking lazy! I have incredibly intense mood swings and sometimes I think I need to be on some kind of anti-depressant medication. I hate this shit. I miss my friends and I feel like I'll never see them again. It's stupid, but with everything so crazy and not knowing if I will be home for spring break or summer, I feel like everything is slipping out of my control. Also, I'm broke, I have no time to spend with my friends, and I'm in love with my  teacher. I really need a break. But I can't have one because I have responsibilities. I really REALLY miss san diego.

mood: listless music: ducktales theme song

I haven't posted on here in so long! I just want to say that its really fucking cold and I'm apathetic about school! Yay! That is all. Now-- a survey.

FIRSTS...thanks myspace :/
1. Who was your first prom date?
um...linnea and hannah! haha the best prom EVER

2. Who was your first roommate?
dorms- veronica

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
I think bacardi razz or some shit..haha o high school

4. What was your first job?
receptionist at poutney-psomas

5. What was your first car?
1995 honda accord..yayuh

6. Who was your first kiss?
I don't know...what can I say? I'm a slut ;)

7. What was your first CD?
hmm...spice girls probably

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Anella

9. Where did you go on your first air plane ride?
illinois or new york or florida or north carolina...I think..hehe

10. When u snuck out of ur house for the first time, who was it with?
I have never had to do that

11. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
Abby Woodward...friends on facebook! :)

12. Where was your first sleepover?
probably at family friends or abby's

13. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
the bus driver...lol

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
aunt bebe's in 2001 I think?

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
urinate or drink some water

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I still haven't been to a real concert

17. First tattoo or piercing?
ears when I was 7

18. First celebrity crush?
MICHAEL KEATON!!! haha did you see batman (1989)??? HOT.

19. First crush?
these two really hot twins in 2nd grade named travis and josh...I think I liked travis?? No, josh. yeah.

20. First TRUE love?
N/A

21. When was your first detention?
hmmm probably in like 7th grade for something stupid like forgetting my reading book..haha ugh middle school

22. Who will be the first to repost this?
NO ONE because most people have better things to do!

Okay, I promise a real post is coming....soon. I have so much hw to do this week since I didn't do any last weekend...:D

mood: cold music: get'cha head in the game- high school musical sdtrk

I saw Night at the Museum today with my sister. It was surprisingly good. Mickey Rooney is weird but hilarious. And I'm now in love with the guy who plays octavius. yes. That is all.


Happy Christmas!!

mood: full music: fat bottomed girls- queen

stolen from mari..:D

JANUARY

1. Who kissed you at midnight?
I don't even remember what I did on New Year's Eve.
^me neither

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
probably...I always make resolutions and never keep them. That's what it's all about!

3. Does it snow where you live?
no..thank the lord!

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
most of the time. I'm kinda picky about that stuff- if you make it with water it ahs to be soem HIGH QUALITY chocolate!

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
no...I'd rather watch tv. Inside. Where it's warm.

FEBRUARY

1. Who was your Valentine?
I never have a valentine.

2. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
Yeah, can you imagine what would have happened if we were allowed to only buy them for our friends? Some kids would never get any! Valentine's day is not a merit-based system.

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
say what now? We don't pay attention to that shit in california because we don't have winter.

MARCH

1. Are you Irish?
no.

2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
hell yes because I have friends who would pinch the shit out of me if I didn't! Plus...green is my favorite color.

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2006?
watched my roommates get drunk while I studied.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
yeah, except that the early part of spring is soggy and gross.

APRIL

1. Do you like the rain?
if I don't have to go to school

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
I don't know...

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
I used to get it from my mom but now I just buy it myself, eat it all in one sitting, get horrible sick, and promise myself I will never do it again

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
haha I go to ucsb...

MAY

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
that huge one in the jungle that smells like carcass

2. Do you like the spring?
it's like baby summer

3. Finish the phrase "April showers":
beating a tune as they fall all around

4. What is the first color you think of when you think of spring?
light green

JUNE

1. What year did/will you graduate from high school?
2004.

2. Did you realize nothing special happens in June?
uh HELLO SUMMER STARTS!!

JULY

1. What did you do on the Fourth of July?
lost my contact, played frisbee, watched fireworks downtown

2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
went to the grand canyon...heheh

3. Do you blast the AC all day?
no. too expensive!

AUGUST

1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer?
uhhh...no.

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '06?
comic con? disneyland? beach trips? : )

3. Did you get sunburnt?
yeah

4. Did you go to the beach a lot?
yeah, actually I did!

SEPTEMBER

1. Did you attend school/college in '06?
Yep.

2. Who was your favorite teacher?
dr. even, prof. schmitt

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
hell to the no

OCTOBER

1. What's your favorite candy?
STARBURSTS!!

2. What did you dress up as?
a slutty ninja-mime

NOVEMBER

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
varies

2. Do you love stuffing?
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

3. What are you thankful for?
FAMILY, FRIENDS.....justin timberlake

DECEMBER

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
I guess so

2. If not, what do you celebrate?
lalala

3. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
no? I've never even seen mistletoe

4. Get anything special last year?
hmm...I don't think so

5. What do you want this year?
material wealth

6. Do you like cold weather?
fuck that. Although, it does allow me to wear layers of clothing which help hide the 59345 pounds I gain during the season. :P

mood: naughty music: john mayer

You know how you know it's christmas??

Two words.



HOLIDAY. SPECIALS.




Speaking of-- santa claus is coming to town tonight on abc family in oh....20 minutes. That's the one with snow miser and heat miser!

What is your favorite holiday tv special/movie?? I'm really partial to the old Rugrats one where the babies learn the true meaning of christmas and Angelica gets a little lump of coal in her cynthia deluxe dream house with 2-car garage. :)

mood: pleased

2 finals and 2 papers DONE!!!


Only 2 finals to go! Holla!!



Good luck to everyone taking finals this week! A big 'fuck you' to everyone who is already done!


(hehe j/k...kinda)

mood: pleased music: love is something- mozella